swan song of silence

this is initially directed at eric, then to everyone else.

even my last ditch effort of braking out the poncho wasn't enough to loosen the grasps of time and chance's grip on my nut sack.

now to bore you with the gory details.
so i'm playing tight and conservative, my latest ineffective style of play.

feels more like being daffy duck and hanging on to the building ledge while bugs bunny slowly plucks my fingers, one at a time.

i first get aa at the 2-4 limit game while waiting for my seat (like 2nd hand in). get called down to river with multiple raises and raisers with gut shot (4 outer) she hits the straight. best part was the guy next to her said, "you had to call that, pot odds, 11-1 you were getting on your money." i'm no expert on that end of the poker knowledge, but calling 16 dollars to win less than 40 just doesn't equal 11 to 1 on your money, to me. i could be wrong, but i assure all prospective players, that if you chase gut shots all the way down, even in limit games, you will go broke quicker than the 6 weeks it's taken me.

so like 3 hands later i get jj. flop comes aa7. i turn a j and get back to even. go to 4-8 limit for a couple of hands then go to nl.

i heard more laughs and snickers directed at me tonight than all of high school.

it's ok for all these fucking posers to walk around with that same center moose spiked up hair cut, but a poncho is something to mock.
at least one guy asked me if i was peacocking.
a fair assessment, but i don't think i'm gonna pull any trim in that outfit. it was more of attitude adjuster i said.
(for all of you who don't have a clue what the hell i'm talking about, i looked like clint eastwood in A few dollars more)

so i'm even after like an hour of play at the limit. then i get to nl. i get my usual run of total crap, get blinded, and call off like a hondo. i raise a few marginal hands with position, then make a good call down with a2 to get back up 20 bucks after a few hrs of play.
i played aq off weak, and didn't call an all-in bet with a flushed board. i was 40-60 on whether i should call, so i didn't. when the guy mucked i thought i saw Qs, which would have meant i was probably good, but the dealer chick next to me said she saw a 6c. she thought it was a good lay down, but whatever. still could of raised the turn to see where i was at.

now i'm at 120 and flop a k-high d flush draw. 80ish in the pot at the time, raiser checks, dealer brings a jc on the turn thinking that the action was correct. 2 people behind, so the jack comes back and gets shuffled back in for the river. guy after raiser bets 50 and i go all-in on my draw. not the best play, but i felt it was coming. then bang. the natural river card, the now turn card gives me a flush. the other guy in the pot shows his set, and then the board pairs on the river.

now i could argue that the all-in was a bad play on the draw, but the guy who raised it to 50 had just called my big raise with q3s a few hands ago, so i felt he was just trying to buy the pot.

so i still have around a grand left and i am still confident that i can come back.
when i was playing on the internet a few years ago, i was down to my last 50 bucks from a 200 dollar buy-in and i turned that into 10k. i am a far superior player now than i was then.
so it's not a lack of confidence, but more of a realization that to play for an income, you need to have like 20-30k to do it right. meaning to play at the right levels and be able to handle the swings.

so when eric comes out this weekend i am gonna give it my all and see what happens. but short of making a huge swing around. i just can't do it right now unless i get a job.
i've been looking a little this week, but half of everything i see wants you to be bilingual.
not to mention that i miss katy a lot and my kitty too.

i also get the feeling that a force greater than me doesn't want me to be here now.

i really would like to have played in some of these tournaments coming up. they start next week.

so now some have said that i accomplished my goal of a month.
the fact of the matter is that i only said a month when asked how long i'd be out here. my goal was to win enough to play in a wsop event. i guess i could still do that, but i am not comfortable risking my last grand on a tournament.
if i'm gonna do that i might as well just put it all on red.

can you possibly imagine how long that car ride home would be if i did that and lost? i'd still be saying fuck by the time i reached green river, (half the way home).

so short of a major up swing, i'll be coming home in a few weeks.
i was planning to fly back for my B.A. graduation anyway, but i might as well just drive home then.

that is unless any of you would like to sponsor me in an event or two…i'd even be willing to give a high percentage of the winnings if there are any takers.

now i know that's a pipe dream. anyone who would be willing is too damn broke or in debt, and anyone who could afford it doesn't know me well enough, or they do know me well enough and just don't like me enough to do something like that. especially if they have been reading this flipping blog. who the hell would give me any money?

none of that last part was said to induce a financier, but that said i wouldn't reject it either.

but be expecting a graduation card in the mail. i have never really understood, or believed in the practice of giving people money for doing something they should do, but being older now, and having paid off many-a-graduee. i can turn a blind eye to my feelings of embarrassment and hold out my hand for a traditional donation.

MN